Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Presidential Candidate Cruz Says that Tax System Should Be “Voluntary”

By Bill Britton
Senator Cruz when not praying

Special to TPN — Senator Ted Cruz (R-Texas) followed up his announcement that he was running for President in 2016 with this statement given to Matt Lauer of the Today Show: “I believe the IRS should be eliminated and taxes made voluntary. It works great in the Fundamentalist Holy-Roller Baptist Church in Houston, where I pray for 12 hours each Sunday. We’d just have to pass a second plate for the Federal government. Either that, or we could just give 10 percent of the Sunday offerings to the Feds.”

When pressed concerning the likelihood that such a system would bankrupt the federal government, Cruz shouted, “That’s my plan! You got it! Without enough money coming in, I could do away with the EPA and FDA and all those other useless agencies. Whatever’s left I’ll turn over to the private sector. The Koch brothers will do a great job regulating the coal industry. By the way, let’s subsidize the installation of coal-fired furnaces in every American home. The damn Chinese have pulled ahead of in the area of carbon emissions.”

Cruz went on: “Of course, under my administration, church attendance would be made mandatory, which would ensure that both plates would be filled. It’s all part of my belief that ours is a Christian nation and that the flames of Hell will consume all non-believers and Nancy Pelosi.”

Cruz’s father, Rafael Cruz, is director of Purifying Fire International Ministry and has said his son is one who is anointed as “king” to take control of all sectors of society, an agenda commonly referred to as the “Seven Mountains” mandate, and “bring the spoils of war to the priests,” and thus guarantee a “great transfer of wealth” from the “wicked” to righteous gentile believers.

When Lauer reminded Senator Cruz that this “transfer” has already taken place, his response was that “You can never do enough for the 1 percent. After all, without them, we wouldn’t have the Kardashians.”

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Koran Written by Mel Brooks Ancestor

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — In a discovery that will disturb Muslims everywhere, scholars have determined that Islam’s holy book, the Koran (Qur’an), was created by a Mel Brooks’ ancestor, Melali Broukhani. Muslim tradition says that God revealed the book’s verses to a Muhammad in the seventh century. Broukhani’s pen name was Muhammad Shmukheini, later shortened to Muhammad after he gained fame with his dancing camels act, which performed in tents throughout the Arabian peninsula.
Mel Brooks as Moses in History of the World

The critical piece of evidence that led scholars to this finding was a scroll detailing Muhammad’s trip to Mecca. His assistant, Gabriel, thought it might be a good idea to get a Jew to write down rules of conduct for the unruly crowds of Arabs who attended his performances—thus, the Koran. (At the time, Jews were the only ones who knew how to make pencils.) The Jew then ran off with one of Muhammad’s daughters and named their first-born son, Meli Brookman.

Not to be outdone by his grandfather, Brookman became a rabbi and amateur archaeologist, whose diggings on Mount Sinai in the year 679 unearthed the stone tablets listing the Ten Commandments. In tribute to his ancestors, Mel Brooks wrote, produced, and directed the acclaimed 1981 film, History of the World, in which he plays the part of Moses, who received the tablets from God and then exclaimed, “Oy! Ten! Ten commandments for all to obey!”

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Gov. Christie Selects Curses for Swearing-In Ceremony

"It's all muscle!"

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Special assistant Goober Flatus announced that New Jersey governor Chris Christie has chosen the curse words to be used in his second inaugural speech following the swearing-in ceremony on Tuesday, January 21. “The governor has worked extremely hard on this speech,” said Flatus. “He received input from a number of sources, including Dennis Rodman and Keith Richards, but in the end we decided that George Carlin’s list was the best, although the governor might add to it.”

Carlin’s famous seven include s**t, p**s, f**k, c**t, c**ks****r, m****rf****r, and t**s (as a former Christian, this reporter felt obliged to hide the actual spellings). Unlike the governor’s marathon speech explaining Bridgegate, Flatus assured the assembled reporters that it would take not more than one hour.

Once the ceremony is completed, the audience will be allowed to approach Christie and kiss his ring. The governor preferred that a different part of his anatomy be honored but did not want the proceedings to be undignified. A Bob Marley impersonator will sing reggae tunes during a limbo competition to be held in the front of Newark’s New Hope Baptist Church, the site of the inauguration. Flatus said that the governor has been practicing the limbo for months and has lowered the bar to 65 inches.

In related news, tolls on the New Jersey Turnpike will be increased by 50 percent on Inauguration Day to cover the day’s cost. Any surplus will be used to fund Christie’s presidential run, once the U.S. Supreme Court lets stand a lower court order to allow this funding source for Teapublican candidates.

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Gov. Christie to Compete in NYC Marathon

Christie following a training session
By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Governor Chris Christie of New Jersey will be competing in the New York City Marathon to be held on November 2, 2014. Contrary to rumor, all lanes will be open on the Verrazano Bridge section of the course, but the center lane will be reserved for Christie in order to accommodate his enormous girth.

Banned from the marathon will be residents of Fort Lee, New Jersey, a community that has been designated a terrorist cell by Christie’s security chief, Pistoffa Obesis. It was Fort Lee that was witness to record gridlock when a Christie staffer had approaches to the George Washington bridge closed after Fort Lee Mayor Mark Sokolich failed to embrace either Christie or his reelection. “I tried,” said Sokolich, “but the best I could do was hug his right leg.”

The governor has begun a rigorous training routine centered at the state capitol, Trenton. The starting point for his morning run is a McDonald’s parking lot on Clinton Avenue, and the end point, a McDonald’s on Cass Street, one mile away. Christie’s initial time was clocked in at 1 hour, 23 minutes, but he has reduced this by a full 2 minutes over the past three months. By October, 2014, Christie plans to complete the circuit between the two restaurants in under 2 hours, not counting a 30-minute break at the Cass Street location, “to stoke the furnace,” in Christie’s words. “The marathon will be a piece of cake, or maybe two pieces.”

In related news, Teapublican darling, Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, has continued his campaign to eliminate left turns on all roadways in the United States. “True Americans only turn right,” said Cruz. “just like it says in the Bible.”

Tuesday, December 31, 2013

President Obama to Reinvent the Wheel

Prototypes of new wheel designs

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — After the resounding success of the Affordable Care Act (aka Obamacare), President Obama has decided to launch a new effort to reinvent the wheel. Leading this initiative will be former U.S. President Jimmy Carter, best known for having put Skippy Peanut Butter on the menu for all state dinners.

The announcement came during a routine news conference, when the President emphasized that “The Chinese have been active in this area for several years. We don’t want America to fall victim to a wheel gap, similar to the missile gap that surfaced during the Cold War.” When Chuck Todd of NBC News reminded the President that the missile gap was essentially illusory, the President shot back, “That’s ancient history. Even Senator Ted Cruz has stated that roundness is not the ultimate answer to wheel shape. His subcommittee is to hold hearings on the issue beginning next week.”

Former President Carter will be leaving his post as Honorary Chairman of the International UFO Bureau in Dallas, Texas. “My work here is done,” said Carter. “I’ll be giving a speech at the Roswell UFO Museum, then it’s off to Washington to solve the mysteries of wheel shape. I’ve been around long enough to know that there are no final answers, except for the wisdom derived from that wheel-shaper in the sky, Great God Almighty Himself, or Herself, Itself, or Whatever.”

In related news, Russian researchers are rumored to have found an alternative to “roundness” for wheel shape. Russian president Vladimir Putin will announce the researchers’ findings after the grand opening of the Gulag Workers Resort in northern Siberia but before the Sochi Winter Olympics begin in February. Putin is training for judo competition in the 2016 Olympics in Brazil, where he hopes to extend his record to more than 3,000 wins.

Monday, December 30, 2013

Chewing Gum: The New Pavement Protector

Park Avenue at 43rd Street in NYC
By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Constance Masticar, of the International Chewing Gum association, released data that offered hope for the world’s deteriorating infrastructure: “Chewing gum has been building up on the world’s paved surfaces since it was first used 9,000 years ago. Total consumption reached 100,000 tons in 2013, according to Wrigley research.”

The impact on paved surfaces is dramatic. In New York City, for example, the one-inch black splotches seen on the city’s sidewalks are “merging together and protecting the concrete from the ravages of weather and ice-melting compounds, in particular,” said former mayor Michael Bloomberg, now heading up the Department of Sanitation.

The preferred flavor of most masticators, spearmint, is also favored by the city’s residents. “It adds a minty aroma to the city’s streets,” according to Park Avenue shopper Spittle Patel, a recent immigrant from Pakistan. “In Lahore, it’s all odors of arm pits and fish curry. You can’t even watch a Lollywood film without being assaulted by the smells. At least you can shoot the terrorists.”

The $19 billion gum industry is attracting investors the world over. Abel Chompowitz of Zinger Partners sees a definite synergy between chewing gum and high tech: “Chewing and smartphone thumbing are habits in common. Apple has already begun production of iPhones with plastic cases that give off gum scents. The first model names are the iPhone Spearmint and the iPhone Juicy Fruit.”

In related news, the American Chiropractic Association has warned raised concerns about excessive chewing and thumbing, both of which can lead to repetitive injuries. “We’ve had reports of patients with both problems. Therapy includes a liquid diet for the compulsive chewers, and voice communication lessons for the thumbers,” said ACA spokesperson Ossie Articulacion.

Revised MacDonald's Employee Budget

Recently, MacDonald's came under fire for its suggested employee budget, which listed a second job for a single person to stay above the poverty line. I sent MacD's my revision, which, by adding a third job and the sale of 1 gram of crack cocaine each month, would move employees out of the bottom 5 percent.

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Bad Breath Ends Senator Cruz’s Marathon Speech

Listerine stock rises on news

Cruz seen apologizing to the media

Special to TPN News — The senate voted on Wednesday to terminate Senator Ted Cruz’s (R-TX) marathon speech. For 21 hours and 19 minutes, Cruz leveled a verbal assault on President Obama’s signature healthcare law. The unanimous vote came after Senators could no longer stand the “incredible stench” emanating from Cruz’s mouth, according to fellow senator John Cornyn (R-TX).
The only coherent part of his speech came when Cruz repeated the text from the Dr. Seuss favorite, Green Eggs and Ham, fifty-eight times. Toward the end of this recitation, a clear majority of senators were seen slumped over sucking on their binkies.
In related news, the Senate voted by acclamation to declare January 10 as National Sardine Day.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Congress to Recess until after 2016 Election

“Grand Bargain” Struck by Pelosi and Boehner

Ted Cruz in a recent campaign photo
Special to TPN — Following a meeting described as “amicable,” Rep. Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) and John Boehner (R-OH) announced that Congress will adjourn until after the 2016 election cycle. Pelosi opened a joint news conference by saying, “We both felt that, since nothing was being accomplished anyhow, why not take a long vacation and get away from all those pesky lobbyists and Ted Cruz (R-Texas) at the same time?” Boehner chimed in with, “Nan’s got it right. We’re both going to a local tanning spa to iron out details for reconvening in 2016, after which I see almost a thousand days of uninterrupted golf.”

When asked about the prospect of a government shutdown, Boehner replied, “Not to worry. The government’s more or less on automatic pilot anyway. It’s simple. The I.R.S. collects the money and Susie—I think that’s her name—in accounts payable cuts the checks. She’s only been on the job for three months, but I think she can handle it.”

As far as the Senate is concerned, Pelosi said that its members latched onto the idea of adjourning enthusiastically: “Both Harry [Majority Leader Reid, D-NV] and Mitch [Minority Leader McConnell, R-KY] said they logged onto Travelocity as soon as they got the word. Only Mike Crapo [R-ID] voted ‘no.’ He was mad at Rand Paul [R-KY] for making fun of his name.”

Ted Cruz was absent for the vote. He was last seen at Nellie’s, a gay sports bar on Washington’s U Street, attempting to recruit troops for his Teddy Militia, whose motto, “Screw Obamacare,” is thought to resonate with the LGBT crowd. “We advocate the peaceful overthrow of the White House, plus a new paint job for the old building,” said LGBT spokesman/woman Pied Léger. “We believe that rose blush with fuchsia accents would be a better color combo.”

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Florida OKs Hand Grenades for "Stand-Your-Ground" Defense

By Bill Britton
Bombs-4-U Mk-2 "Peacemaker" Grenade

Special to TPN — Florida Governor Rick Scott today signed into law an expansion of his state’s controversial “Stand-Your-Ground” statute 776.013. Those with so-called “carry” permits for handguns will be allowed to conceal on their persons not more than two standard hand grenades for self-defense purposes.

“Our citizen crime-fighters will enjoy a heightened sense of personal security with this addition,” said Scott. “It will be especially effective when used against gangs that enter white areas from the ‘hood.’ Not that I’m profiling African-Americans—after all, if it’s a group of five, they could only be looking for a pick-up game of basketball.”

Reaction from National Rifle Association CEO Wayne LaPierre was swift: “I see this as a natural progression from the flintlock firearms that our Founders used to overcome British tyranny. Today, we have the tyranny of left-wing bureaucrats trying to take our weapons away. I applaud Governor Scott for his wisdom and courage.”

Grenades are available online from Bombs-4-U, Inc. (bombs4u.com). A two-pack sells for $19.99 plus shipping and handling. For a limited time, the company is doubling the offer to four grenades at the same price. Bombs-4-U president Dudley Petard would not confirm reports that George Zimmerman, recently found innocent of murdering Trayvon Martin in Florida, would be hired as a spokesperson: “Mr. Zimmerman is a hero to the weapons industry. His level head and good judgment is what we need more of on the streets and in the alleys of this great country.”

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Edward Snowden Elected Mayor of Dudinka, Siberia

Picturesque Dudinka
Special to TPN — ITAR-TASS, the Russian news agency, announced that Edward J. Snowden, the former intelligence contractor on the run from the American authorities, has won the mayoralty race in Dudinka (Дуди́нка). Dudinka is the administrative center of Taymyrsky Dolgano-Nenetsky District of Krasnoyarsk Krai, Russia.

The former prison camp has a population of approximately 22,000. Of its 86 eligible voters, Snowden captured 81, Chervi Gryazukha, 4, and Yurine Dripovicz, 1. However, Dripovicz contested the outcome, claiming that Snowden, as an American citizen, is not a qualified candidate. Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov quashed this objection by exhibiting a birth certificate that clearly indicates Novokuznetsk as Snowden’s birthplace.

The office of Russian President Vladimir Putin issued the following statement: “We welcome Mr. Snowden back to his homeland. Representatives from Cheka [Russian secret police] are anxious to interview him to see what other American dirty tricks are afoot.”

The citizens of Dudinka hosted a reception for Mr. Snowden complete with a buffet table featuring borscht, carp, and sautéed pig entrails. Snowden was heard to say to one of his new-found comrades, Svetsky Stinkovich, “Святая корова. Это место супер, но где же торговом центре?” [“Holy cow. This place is great, but where's the mall?”] As he turned away, Stinkovich said to his wife Svetlana, “Хороший парень, но он слишком тощий для нашей дочери. [“Nice guy, but he's too skinny for our daughter.”]

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Texas Prohibits Pet Neutering

"Now, darlin', you're the one who wanted to live in Texas."

Austin, Tex. — On Friday, the Texas Senate passed one of the strictest anti-abortion measures in the country. Gov. Rick Perry is expected to sign the bill after a Democratic filibuster blocked its passage last month. Buried in the bill is a provision to prohibit pet neutering, or “spaying,” as it is commonly called.

Gov. Perry applauded lawmakers for passing the bill, saying, “Today the Texas Legislature took its final step in our historic effort to protect life [and] tirelessly defended our smallest and most vulnerable Texans, whether they walk on two legs or four.”

The bill was opposed by leaders of the American Congress of Gynecologists, which ran advertisements that questioned the scientific foundations of the legislation and told legislators to “Get out of our exam rooms.” The bill’s author, Representative Jodie Laubenberg, responded to the ads by saying, “Hell, I kinda like being in there. Got all kinds of videos I’ve uploaded to YouTube. Sold quite a few at the local flea market, too.”

Francois Puces, president of the Texas Veterinary Association, expressed shock at the anti-pet-neutering provision: “The legislature wasn’t thinking. This will only encourage ‘back-alley’ neutering.” Madge Geschnitten, chairperson of the Back-Alley Neutering Group (NYSE: BANG) defended her members by saying, “We provide a service. If they can’t get a doctor to do it, we will, at half the price. More BANG for the buck,” she laughed. BANG stock rose 17 percent on the news.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Mutant Crabgrass Threatens Corn Crop

Corn field strangled by mutant crabgrass

Special to TPN — Farmers in the Midwest have been plagued by a mutant strain of crabgrass that threatens to reduce the annual corn harvest by 50 percent or more in coming years. The species, Digitaria sanguinalis, is found throughout the world. The seeds are actually harvested and eaten in parts of Central Europe, where it is known as Polish millet.

The mutant grows up to three feet per day in the hotter months and is both drought and frost resistant. To compound the negative effects of this invasive weed, it is unaffected by Monsanto’s herbicide, Roundup®. Monsanto (NYSE: MON) has genetically engineered feed corn to be similarly unaffected by the herbicide. It is thought that excessive applications of Roundup® to corn fields for suppressing weed growth led to a “horizontal gene transfer” from Monsanto corn to D. sanguinalis.

Spokesperson Mais Konig denied any culpability on the part of Monsanto: “Monsanto has always maintained the highest standards in the seed corn industry. Farmers trust us explicitly. They have to. After all, we’re almost the only game in town.” Konig also denied that Monsanto has plans to patent the mutant crabgrass, although it is rumored that the Kellogg Company has been in conversations with Monsanto and has registered several trademarks, including Crabola Granola®, Crabby Energy Bars®, and Crabby Pop Tarts®.

Monsanto’s share of the world market for all farm seed is almost 30 percent, of which a major part is for feed corn and corn ethanol. Because of the possibility of a collapse in the 2013 yield, corn futures are up 46 percent, from $5.45 to $7.96 per bushel. Accordingly, Monsanto’s share price fell 14 percent to $84.24.

Thursday, May 23, 2013

A Forking Dilemma

A Package of Delinquent Muffins

The guiding principle for my life’s conduct has been this choral refrain from Gilbert and Sullivan’s Princess Ida:

“Isn't your life extremely flat
With nothing whatever to grumble at!”

I certainly do have a plethora of material to inspire such grumbling, including TV’s talking heads, natural and man-made catastrophes, and my Republican friends, among others. But the most recent grumble has been the failure of the Thomas’ Bread Company to properly fork-split their English muffins.

Up until a few years ago, the gentle application of thumbs to muffin’s edge yielded two halves with all the requisite nooks & crannies one could hope for. Sadly, such a bisection now requires the careful insertion of a fork all around muffin’s edge. Those nooks & crannies appear to be unchanged, as is the flavor, and the little pools of butter that fill the furrowed surfaces delight even the most selective of palates.

Samuel Bath Thomas created the Original "Nooks & Crannies" English Muffin through a secret process after opening his own bakery in New York City in 1880. I suspect that “forking” his muffins were de rigueur in the early days. But as mechanization took over, a machine with forking prongs was surely added to the production process.

Could it be that the prongs have worn down? Or has a management team from McKinsey & Company recommended that less forking would yield a better bottom line? The parent company, Grupo Bimbo (ticker: BIMBO—no, I am not kidding), has not responded to my several polite (unusual for me) inquiries regarding their failure to adequately fork-split.

In sum, it is a forking dilemma!

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Texas to Auction off WWII Bazookas

By Bill Britton

Special to TP News — Republican Governor Rick Perry announced that 2,500 surplus World War II-era bazookas will be offered to the public in a special auction. These recoilless-rocket antitank weapons were used extensively against the Nazis during the war. Each bazooka will come with approximately 80 armor-piercing rounds.

Texas Secretary of State John Steen said that the auction will take place on the capitol steps in Austin. Asked if a permit would be required to purchase a bazooka, Steen said, “Hell no. As long as you’re white and own a pick-up truck, you’re good to go. Don’t want no illegals thinkin’ they’re Federales who can turn Texas into the thirty-second Mexican state.”

Noppen Doppelkinn, a captain in the 10th Waffen SS Panzer Division, and a spry 93-year old, recalls the terror of his tank being hit by a bazooka shell: “It scared the scheisse out of me. Mine corporal had a weak stomach and was seated right behind me. He surrendered immediately. Somesing about seeing a sister in the Bronx, although he was in the line of fire, so to speak, from mine gesass.” Doppelkinn emigrated to the U.S. in 1947, where he started the national food-store chain, Bratwurst-and-More.

In related news, Governor Perry announced that Texas will strengthen its gun laws by allowing residents to carry no more than six concealed firearms.

Monday, March 4, 2013

Vatican promotes Silly Hat Contest

Pope Benedict's entries

Special to TPN — Vatican Secretary of State, Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, announced that the Convocation of Cardinals assembled to pick a new Pope will liven up the proceedings with a Silly-Hat Contest, which has not been conducted for 1200 years. Now-retired Pope Emeritus Benedict will lead the judging panel of six cardinals.

The winner will be a guest on a special presentation of Saturday Night Live, hosted by Father Guido Sarducci, who will also bless audience members for a small fee. “Waddaya think, I do-a this for-a fun? I gotta nun friend who get take-a-de-out pizza seven nights-a week. It ain’t-a cheap.” Sarducci’s brother, Father Angelo “Hit-Man” Sarducci will be in charge of crowd control.

First winner of the Silly Hat Contest, Pope Stephen VI, who reigned from 896 to 897, was famous for exhuming the corpse of his predecessor, Pope Formosus, and putting him on trial in the so-called "Cadaver Synod." Pope Formosus received honorable mention in that early contest.


Although Ralph Reed, former head of the Christian Coalition, was invited, he declined, saying that “we want to keep clear separation between church and state in America, unless I can find a good Christian fundamentalist to run for President. He’d be like a Pope, only he wouldn’t have to wear those damn hats.”
TPN cameraman on the scene

Monday, October 8, 2012

Todd Akin To Build “Berghof West” in Missouri

Adolph Hitler’s Residence Serves as Model

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Rep. Todd Akin (R–MO) is building a new summer home atop Taum Sauk Mountain, the highest point in Missouri. Rep. Akin is known famously as the one who clarified the difference between “rape” and “legitimate rape.” To his credit, he also wants to eliminate Social Security, Medicare, and lipstick, the “devil’s paint,” according to Akin.

Modeled after Adolph Hitler’s residence in the Bavarian Alps, Berghof West will be heavily fortified to lessen the risk of invasion by progressives and other fringe groups. A particular threat is Liam Breton, erstwhile candidate for president, who attempted to incite a national rebellion earlier this year (see http://www.thespoof.com/news/us/101588/new-luddite-party-wants-to-sew-it-up).

Albert Speer, Jr., son of Hitler’s architect and a respected draftsman in his own right, is the lead architect for Berghof West. “There will be no reminders of the good old days,” said Speer. “However, Todd feels that a razor-wire-topped-electrified fence would be appropriate, although he doesn’t want his German shepherd Blondi to be harmed. We might have to opt for guard towers. I saw some nice ones when I was a child.”

Adolph and friends at Berghof

When asked how he received permission to build on state park land, Akin said, “As a U.S. senator, I can do any damn thing I want.” He went on to remind reporters that he can “say anything I want, too. My record’s impeccable on that score. Next week I’m going to clarify the difference between ‘pedophilia’ and ‘legitimate pedophilia.’” 

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Dante’s Circles of Hell to Be Augmented

Rep. Todd Akin (R–MO) develops initiative for Republican Party platform

By Bill Britton

Satan on holiday

Special to TNP — At his daily news conference, Reince Priebus, chairman of the Republican National Committee (RNC), claimed that “a new version of Dante’s Inferno is necessary to ensure the long-term health of the country. In fact, I anticipate that it will form the basis of a 28th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, that sacred document which was modified so eloquently by the Citizens United case, humanizing corporations. If only I could clone Antonin Scalia and get rid of Ruth Ginsberg, that left-wing troublemaker on the Supreme Court.” (Ed. note: Inferno is the first part of Dante Alighieri's 14th-century epic poem Divine Comedy. It describes Hell as comprised of nine circles for different categories of sinners.)

Rep. Todd Akin (R–MO), the author of the initiative, is famous for the term “legitimate rape” and for telling uninsured cancer victims that “selling their car” would allow them to buy coverage. Priebus provided an outline of Akin’s proposal for the assembled press corps. The format retains the original sinner categories but adds to the punishments:

First Circle (Limbo) for virtuous non-Christians. The punishment is in not being able to rise up to Heaven, the best deal in the Nine Circles. It even has a Happy Hour hosted by Socrates, Einstein, and other notables. To this non-punishment, Akin has added videos of a Michelle Bachmann Fox News interview, thus transforming it into real punishment.

Second Circle (Lust) for those who overdose on pornography and Viagra. Quite appropriately, these sinners are blown about by violent winds. Cleopatra is the most famous celebrity being blown, but Bill Clinton can be seen in the distance. The additional punishment has Dick Cheney targeting the fly-bys with his highly inaccurate 10-guage shotgun.

Third Circle (Gluttony) for those who fail Weight Watchers or buy Oreos in bulk. Gluttons spend eternity lying in slushy poop, which has been favorably compared to the sewage outflow from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas. Here can be found Nero and Marlon Brando, among others. Akins has added a recording of Roseanne Barr screaming, “You’re too goddam fat. You’re too goddam fat . . . ,” ad infinitum.

Fourth Circle (Greed) for avaricious clergy and misers like Ebenezer Scrooge.  This happy group competes in a never-ending contest involving pushing enormous weights against each other. A popular resident is Pope Leo X who is often pitted against recently deceased securities traders from Goldman Sachs. The new punishment has everyone in this group wearing smiley Bill Gates masks, with the constant drone of “Beast of Burden,” chanted by Mick Jagger, in the background.

Fifth Circle (Anger) for those, for example, who give the “bird” to senior citizens at stoplights. Depending on the degree of anger, sinners battle each other either above or below the surface of a dark marsh. Weapons include brass knuckles and lead fly swatters. From their skiff, various fallen angels accompanied by Cruella De Vil beat down sinners with their oars. Akin has placed Ayn Rand at the helm, who recites passages from her book, Atlas Shrugged.

Sixth Circle (Heresy) for those who do not take the Bible literally, in other words, non-Baptists. Heretics are placed in fiery tombs and subsist on cayenne-flavored napalm spread on burnt toast. The most famous heretics, Martin Luther and Liam Breton, are seen basting the tombs with hot tar. As added punishment, Akin has the image of Tim Tebow at prayer projected onto the sulfurous clouds, while the Grateful Dead sing “Hell in a Bucket.”   

Seventh Circle (Violence) for those who think Hannibal Lecter is a kindred spirit. This is the most picturesque circle, where sinners are either boiled in blood, fed to Harpies, or left in a flaming desert with fiery flakes raining down. Adolph Hitler and Joseph Stalin are seen dancing to another Grateful Dead tune, “Friend of the Devil.” In future, Akins plans on having Madonna sing in a burned and wrinkled leather bikini that matches her burned and wrinkled skin.

Eighth Circle (Fraud) for used-car salesmen in particular, but also for those who sell holistic medical cures. Punishments include being boiled in pitch, biting snakes, and Akin’s favorite, whipping by demons. Noted fraudsters Jack Abramoff and Amway Chairman, Steve Van Andel, are seen selling condos in Heaven and snakebite remedies, respectively, to suffering sinners. Akin is in the process of developing clones of Fox News’ Ann Coulter to be scattered around the circle, wagging their fingers in derision.

Ninth Circle (Treachery) for those who enjoy both back-stabbing and front-stabbing. Famous back-stabbers include Senator Joseph Lieberman (I–RI), who left the Democratic Party and endorsed John McCain (R–AZ) for president in 2008 (still living, Lieberman has been placed on the waiting list). The most famous front-stabber, of course, is Marcus Junius Brutus, who assassinated Julius Caesar in 44 BC and is on loan from Satan. Akin plans on having wax images of himself, dressed in attire reminiscent of Moses, holding stone tablets that are inscribed with the Ten Commandments, placed at strategic locations around this circle. Like the center of Hell, this circle is kept at absolute zero (−459.67° F), which will allow the wax likenesses to survive throughout eternity.

At the very center of Hell, condemned for committing the ultimate sin, personal treachery against God, rests Satan, encased in ice. On special occasions, Satan is released from the ice and allowed to visit South Park, a small town in Colorado.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Government to Test Cell-Phone Lanes on Interstates

Government to Test Cell-Phone Lanes on Interstates

By Bill Britton

Special to TPN — Chairman Deborah Hearseman of the National Transportation Safety Board (NTSB) announced that several major U.S. cities will test the practicality of constructing separate cell-phone lanes on interstate highways.  The purpose of this initiative is to reduce the risk of injury or death to non cell-phone users.

“The National Safety Council estimates that in 2010, 1.6 million car crashes occurred while drivers were talking or texting on wireless devices,” said Hearseman.  “The NTSB believes that it makes sense to segregate these drivers so that non cell-phone users enjoy a higher survival rate.”

Approximately 20 miles of the I-495 Capitol Beltway around Washington D.C., from North Bethesda, MD to Alexandria, VA, will see an additional lane constructed with appropriate barriers installed between the new lane and adjacent lanes.  Caterpillar 908H Wheel Loaders will be placed at strategic points to push incapacitated vehicles into a deep ditch that will be cleared periodically.  A barge terminal is being constructed where I-495 crosses the Potomac River to receive the wreckage.

The All-Thumbs Coalition has been lobbying for a cell-phone lane for years.  President Leon Carpal feels that the I-495 project is “a way to prove that mobile device users can be responsible citizens.  We’ll only have ourselves to blame if an accident does happen.  The one downside is the possibility that we’ll be discriminated against with higher insurance rates.”

In related news, Fox TV has announced a new reality show for the fall season: “I-495 Survival.”

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

“God Particle” Found To Be Mormon Messenger

“God Particle” Found To Be Mormon Messenger

 Moroni at the center of the Higgs particle cluster

By Bill Britton

Special to TP News — Physicists at the CERN Laboratory in Switzerland announced that the Higgs boson, the so-called “God particle,” resembles the Mormon angel Moroni. Moroni is the keeper of the golden plates on which is inscribed the Book of Mormon. The angel gave the plates to Joseph Smith, who founded to The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (LDS Church), more commonly known as Mormonism.

Smith buried the plates near his plot of psilocybin mushrooms, known for their psychedelic properties. After translating the inscriptions, Smith returned the Moronic plates to the angel. The plates have not been seen since, although the mushroom garden is still being cared for by a Moronic disciple, called Rocket Man, whose website is shroomzoom.com.

CERN spokesman Sergio Bertolucci said, “Initially we only saw the cluster of particles emanating from the center of the particle burst. However, on closer examination, the Moronic image was seen at the very center, angel horn and all. It was quite a thrill. A group of us are going to the LDS temple at Bern and convert to Mormonism.”

Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was extremely upbeat over the discovery: “My life story reflects my Moronic upbringing. With the discovery at CERN, I know that my Moronic principles will stand me in good stead as I debate President Obama, who, as we know, is not quite an American. Just ask Rush Limbaugh, my authority in these matters.”

Friday, June 29, 2012

Supreme Court Justice Scalia Expands SCROTUM

Supreme Court Justice Scalia Expands SCROTUM

Godfather Scalia

By Bill Britton

Special to TP News — Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has decided to expand his fraternal organization, SCROTUM (Supreme Court Republican Organization to Uncover Moderates). SCROTUM was established by Scalia in 2011 to aid in the fight against liberals and progressives, who often disguise themselves as “moderates.”

Founding members included the other four conservative members of the court, but after Chief Justice John Roberts betrayed his blood oath by affirming the constitutionality of “Obamacare,” he was removed from the SCROTUM roster. Said Roberts, “I don’t believe I should be penalized by SCROTUM. After all, I did lead the effort in the transformation of corporations into people.”

Representatives Bill Johnson (R-OH) and Billy Long (R-MO) have been nominated for SCROTUM membership. Tea Party poster-boy Long recently scolded “good government types” who criticized his four-day junket to the Wynn Casino in Las Vegas paid for by the Consumer Electronics Association. “My experience as an auctioneer in Missouri made me uniquely qualified to evaluate technology. That outfit Apple might have a future.”

Johnson outlined his approach to the legislative process in an interview today: “If Obama's for it, I’m against it. If someone says it's good for the environment, I'll oppose it. If it's a tax, I hate it. If it's a regulation, I don't want it. If it has anything to do with the military, I’m for it. Other countries and religions are bad. The U.N. is worse. The only good government is dead government.” He then doffed a white hood and drove off in a BMW escorted by a contingent of bodyguards dressed in brown shirts.

Justice Scalia announced that the annual SCROTUM Ball will take place at the Watergate Hotel in honor of the late Richard Nixon, the unfairly maligned 37th President of the United States. “Big Dick, as we like to call him, would have been close to SCROTUM had he lived. If he’d only been a Catholic,” Scalia said tearfully.

Sunday, May 6, 2012

Romney To Buy Wife Ann a Clothes Washer for Mother’s Day

Ann Romney's Mother's Day Gift
By Bill Britton

Likely Teapublican presidential candidate Mitt Romney revealed that he will be purchasing a new clothes washer for wife Ann this week. “I think it’s the ideal gift for a stay-at-home mom like Ann,” said Romney during a break from the campaign trail. “Up until now, she’s been using a washboard and tub like most LDS [Mormon] wives. But with me running for president, she didn’t have enough time to do a proper job washing my skivvies, and with Mother’s Day coming up, I thought I’d surprise her.”

Former candidate Rick Santorum reacted immediately from his estate in Pennsylvania: “Next thing you know, he’ll be getting Ann an electric stove. If I were president, I’d reinstall a wood stove in the White House kitchen. What was good enough for Martha Washington is good enough for my wife Karen. I’d call her in, but she’s out back chopping wood for the smokehouse. She shot a deer last week and ground it all up for sausage.”

When Romney was asked if he was just trying to shore up his conservative credentials, his response was quick: “You mainstream media guys are all the same. First you start a rumor connecting me with the healthcare plan in Massachusetts, then you accuse me of being pro-choice, when you know I said that just to get a few votes. That has nothing to do with my core beliefs—if you get ill, you’re on your own, and if you have an unwanted pregnancy, send the child to Santorum’s or Bachmann’s house. I’ve got my hands full trying to keep the damn dog off the roof of the car.”

In related news, former candidate Newt Gingrich was arrested while attempting to steal some okra from Michelle Obama’s kitchen garden. Said Gingrich, “I thought they’d go with my cheesy grits. I didn’t know how good cheesy grits were until Mitt mentioned them.”

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Santorum Pledges “New Inquisition”

Dunce cap being modeled by unhappy heretic

Santorum Pledges “New Inquisition”

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Once he is elected, Teapublican presidential candidate Rick Santorum has promised to organize a “New Inquisition” to root out heretics in America. At a news conference yesterday, Santorum said, “I ran the concept before the five Supreme Court Justices who are friendly to the cause, and they were unanimous in their approval.” After the announcement, Justices Antonin Scalia and John Roberts were seen skipping through the Supreme Court building, giving high-fives to staff members.

Tribunals will be set up in each of the 89 federal district courts to deal with the rush of heresy cases expected in 2013. Members of the tribunals will be drawn from both Roman Catholic and Southern Baptist Convention churches. Fox News has already signed a contract granting it exclusive coverage.

“I’ve been working on a list of institutions that are suspected of heresy,” said Santorum to a huge crowd today at Penn State’s Beaver Stadium. “Of particular interest are those universities in the north, especially, that have been forcing students to study secular subjects like languages, history, math, and science. Why study a foreign language? English not good enough for them? The only history students need is the Old Testament. As for science, throw out evolution and bring on Intelligent Design and Creationism! Let’s give them a choice!”

Grounds for heresy are listed in an online brochure available at www.santorum/grand.inquisitor.net. These include watching MSNBC, intercourse for pleasure, reading The New York Times, eating dessert on Sunday, and associating with known liberals. The tribunals will determine appropriate punishments, which will range from water-boarding to listening to Christian rock music in an empty ship’s container.

In a related item, Guangzhou Funland Amusement Co., Ltd. in Guangdong, China, announced that it has received an order for 100,000 medieval dunce caps from an unidentified U.S. entity.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Republican Party Changes Name to Teapublican Party

Been brewed too long . . .

Republican Party Changes Name to Teapublican Party

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — After weeks of rancorous internal debate, the Republican National Committee (RNC) passed a resolution renaming itself the Teapublican Party. Although the cost of the change is estimated at close to $53 million, Chairman Reince Priebus said the Teapublican caucus in Congress will pass a special resolution to fund the change through cuts in the National School Lunch Program.

Other names were considered by the RNC (now TNC), including Nopublican, but Teapublican was felt to be more unifying. As part of its constitution, the TNC has added this preamble, which must be memorized by all Teapublicans if they intend to acquire lobbying positions with a military supplier or oil company after leaving Congress:

“We, the Teapublicans of the United States, in Order to destroy all Unions, diminish Social Justice, procure Domestic Handguns, provide for an electrified Border Fence, corrupt the General Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Lobbying to ourselves and our Inferiors, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the Teapublican Party of America.”

Priebus, of Greek descent, believes that U.S. salvation depends on its moving toward a Spartan society: “By having the most frightening military establishment in the world,” said Priebus, “we are well on the way toward that goal. However, Congress must pass what I call the ‘Parris Island Initiative,’ in which 3,000 Marine Corps-designed training facilities are set up around the country. Young men would spend their teen years getting ready for the next dozen wars we have planned. We were going to recruit Penn state coach Jerry Sandusky to oversee the program, but we didn’t want the boys turned into cannon fodder, so to speak, before they’re armed and dangerous.”

Heidi Fleiss, Famed Hollywood Madam, is working with the TNC to set up 3,000 satellite facilities near each of the soon-to-be-launched Spartan-inspired Στρατόπεδα Εκπαίδευσης [training camps].”

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

New high-fiber, high-protein sawdust cereal with fly maggots

Sawdust Approved as Food Supplement

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has approved sawdust as a food supplement. FDA administrator Constance Twiddle announced that the following varieties are suitable for human consumption: white pine, white birch, and white ash. Specifically excluded from the list are black walnut, black oak, and black locust. “The latter three varieties are too difficult to integrate into breakfast cereals and bread products,” said Twiddle, “although yellow pine and red oak might be approved pending further testing.”

Beyond the obvious uses in cereals (for example, shredded wheat) and whole-grain breads, sawdust will most likely be blended into other foods as well, including chopped beef, sausages, canned soups, and a variety of prepared foods. McDonald’s has already branded one new entrée in its fast-food lineup, the McWoody. Chicken McTwiggins is also being considered.

FDA approval came on the heels of the latest survey on obesity in the United States conducted by Surgeon General’s office, which found that 34% of adult Americans are obese. Spokesperson Prudence Gurth said that the addition of sawdust to the American diet “will reduce caloric uptake, while its scouring properties will reduce the need for tooth brushing.” Gurth’s statement had an immediate effect on toothcare-related stocks, with Colgate falling 28% by close on Tuesday.

In contrast, lumber giant Georgia-Pacific stock rose 22%. CEO Tim Berland saw this as a great opportunity to expand the company’s presence in Africa: “All those starving people could use a little sawdust in their diet. I’m working out a deal with the De Beers diamond folks to pay their miners in part with sawdust. It’s just the right thing to do and part of the West’s effort to ease the plight of Africans who still remain the so-called white man’s burden, as English poet Rudyard Kipling once wrote.”

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

"Mine's this long, Mitt. Can you beat that?"

Gingrich’s “Brilliance” Outshines Einstein's

By Bill Britton

In a nationally televised news conference, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich revealed that his I.Q. is 20 points higher than renowned physicist Albert Einstein. “The American people know that I am basically a modest individual, but I felt I owed it to my adoring public to no longer hide my intellectual brilliance under a bushel, so to speak,” said Gingrich who now wears his academic robes 24/7.

As verification of that brilliance, Bob Jones University has created a new academic award, summa cum bubba, which will be reserved for those whose intellectual capacity exceeds that of Einstein. Gingrich, who graduated magna cum-a, cum-a, cum-a laude from Tulane University, has enjoyed a steady stream of academic awards, beginning with the DuPont science award that he received at age 6 for discovering the reason why peanuts split into two sections: “Essentially, I concluded that it was God’s will, and another example of Intelligent Design.”

Gingrich said he enjoys debating with the other Republican candidates: “My credentials are impeccable and include my capacity to womanize even ugly bitches. I’m just hoping the committee finally agrees to put my podium next to Rick Perry’s in the next debate. I’ll destroy his concentration with my best come-hither glances. Plus I’ll point out that he graduated magna cum nada from Texas State.

Concerning the potential male candidates, Gingrich was equally dismissive: “Romney’s a Mormon—‘nuf said, and Herman Cain’s pizza is too salty, which is why he bailed. By the time I’m finished with ‘em, they won’t know the difference between Lincoln and Washington, which in the case of Perry is a done deal.”

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

Breton Announces Luddite Party Candidacy

By Bill Britton

Special to INS — Liam Breton, who fell short in his attempt to incite a national rebellion, has decided to run for U.S. President on the Luddite Party ticket. The Luddite Party was founded by Breton in response to the failure of the major political parties to address the loss of national purpose caused by a preoccupation with iPhones, iPads, and iPods, among other iStuff. [Ed. note: The Luddites were a movement in 19th-century England that viewed the textile machines of the Industrial Age as inherently evil.]

“We must return to our roots,” said Breton, “and toss these devices into the dustbin of history. Steve Jobs is dead — Long live Steve Jobs! — but let’s get his legacy out of our lives before Apple’s latest device, the iSelf, is implanted into the cerebral cortex of every newborn baby.” As noted in an earlier press release, the iSelf was Jobs’ last project at Apple. It is a WiFi-enabled unit that merges PC functionality with 4G networks and a virtual monitor located on the inside of the forehead.

Ron Paul, the libertarian candidate and darling of the Tea Party, was quick to respond to Breton’s announcement: “Who’s this guy think he is? I’ve been a Luddite ever since I began wiping my ass with leaves at age three. What this country really needs is to toss aside all government agencies and all those other things that have corrupted the American dream, from municipal sewer systems to hospitals. Let’s get back to basics and have disease and pestilence cull the weak from society.”

Michelle Bachmann, former candidate and darling of the Tea Party, whose demented eyes had frightened away her most ardent supporters, has now laid claim to being an early Luddite as well: “I burned my bra in seventh grade. My credentials can be seen whenever the temperature dips below 65 degrees.”

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

American Dream Redux

American Dream Redux

by Bill Britton

My country ‘tis of thee,
I sing of your spacious skies and plains
and purple mountains ambered by sulfurous smoke,
of your Congress whose grim beat grinds down the downtrodden
longing for release from a wilderness of otherness.
I sing of stern-visaged laws
that shroud liberty with words spoken
by caretakers of public morality—airwave preachers
who diddle the faithful as if they were young boys
babbling catechism in a cloakroom.
America, your patriot dreams suffer years of tears in cities,
whose alabaster blocks swarm with bastards of fatherless sons
captured by the myth of God’s grace.
Sweet land of liberty,
your Wall Street altars
are attended by worshippers
who trample out a vintage of capital
on the backs of working men and women
bent by the terrible swift sword of necessity.
America, you stare at red-glaring rockets
and bursting bombs,
insane recreations of Dresden
sanitized into episodes of Star Wars.
America, a government of, by, and for the greediest
leaves the neediest reaching for the bottom rung
of a ladder broken by lobbyists
who slither through hallowed halls
in pursuit of silver-haired senators
with Bahamian junkets on their minds
while wondering what else their country
can do for them.
I once had a dream of freedom,
of oppression defeated by justice in men’s souls,
of crooked places made straight,
of freedom from every mole hill to every mountain,
of freedom from sea to shining sea,
of freedom at last.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Sexual Predator Next Door

The Sexual Predator Next Door

By Bill Britton

The sexual molestation tragedy at Penn State brought to mind an incident that occurred when I was 9 or 10 years old. An older boy in the neighborhood—I’ll call him “Guy”—asked me to come into the garage with him because he had “some special stuff” he wanted to rub on me. When I asked him what it was, he went into graphic detail about his intentions, which I won’t repeat here. The flight response kicked in, and I avoided walking by his house until I moved away.

Thirty years later, I attended his cousin’s funeral, a childhood friend who, like me, was a former Marine. Guy was there, along with a few other friends from the neighborhood I hadn’t seen for years. Out of Guy’s earshot, I struck up a conversation with these friends and found that Guy had tried to get each of them into his garage over a period of 5 or 6 years.

I also found out that Guy was a male student recruiter for a small eastern college, a role that sent him around the country and overseas for prospects. But what upset me most on seeing Guy and hearing part of his history was the fact that he had married a younger woman with five young sons. The thought that these boys might have been terrorized by Guy led to thoughts of lying in wait in the parking lot to beat the crap out of him. But I submerged that urge, knowing that I would be labeled the criminal if I did so.

The lesson to be learned from Penn State, and from my personal experience, is that sexual predators come in all sizes, colors, and ages. But more than that, their assaults are rarely singular events. In addition, they often operate under the guise of being a family friend, coach, pastor, priest, teacher, or mentor.

There is no penalty harsh enough for the sexual predator, but castration would be a good start.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

7 Billion and Counting

As we pass the 7-billion mark, there has been renewed criticism of Thomas Malthus and his view that humankind’s future was not necessarily on an upward slope because of the pressures derived from population growth.

Malthus' premises, and certainly his calendar, might have been off, but the fact remains that Earth is running out of vital resources with which to support a much smaller population than the 7-billion now extant. The depletion of fossil fuels and exotics like rare earths, for example, receive a fair amount of press, which they should, since they enable technologically advanced societies to exist.

Fossil fuels are the source of nitrate fertilizer for high-yield crops; the other vital agricultural input, phosphate, is mined, and once used, dissipates as run-off or percolates down into near-surface strata. Neither constituent is recoverable, and there are no substitutes that will support the food needs of those 7 billion for more than a dozen decades or so, much less the projected 9 to 10 billion of 2050.

Of course, water, whether potable or reclaimed, is already in short supply in most of the world, and indeed, its lack in sub-Saharan Africa has diminished what in the best of times has been a hardscrabble existence.

The drive for economic growth is both a boon and bane for humankind. Over the short term, economic growth brings with it prosperity, at least for those who are its beneficiaries. But over the long term, economic growth in tandem with population growth will only exacerbate the depletion of the abovementioned critical resources. Plus, the accumulation of externalities (e.g., greenhouse gases, water pollution) in the environment will see the diminution of the general population’s quality-of-life.

Technological fixes and scientific advancements will only carry us so far, despite the claims of leaders in industry and politics. At the dusk of civilization, an unsustainable population will no doubt be seen as the problem.